Who I am called to be.

I have been wondering lately what I am called to be, or to be doing right now, from God. Or even really if I'm being called? Well an answer came to me recently after much mauling over my life, and where I currently am, and I think a lot of times, I am frustrated with the fact that I am not doing anything. So therefore I feel as thought I'm not being called. However, just recently I have began to think that maybe I am just being called to be a friend. I don't know what exactly that means but it certainly gives me the opportunity to be Christ to people.

I was asked yesterday what my dream position in life would be and honestly, I think that position would be to simply not have to worry about debt, and build relationships. Invest in peoples lives, learn the word of God. And to be an example of Christ. 

Where have I gone?

I used to be here. I used to be a part of your world, and you used to make me a part of everything. But I've been replaced. I've been replaced by dancing snowmen, pretty snowflakes, elves, candy canes, and the biggest of all you put your belief in a man who has the magic ability to bring you anything you want, if only you'll be good for the whole year. On that day when I was born, 2000 years ago, you are now excited to see what that imaginary man might bring you. You ignore the gift that I have offered you, not just once a year, but every day, and you forget what my life was. All I ask is that this year, you try to remember who I am, and not just for a day, but for the day after that, and the day after that... will you? Will you let me give you that gift, every day? 

it's going to be a long road ahead.

Okay, I think we all know someone like this: The "One-Up" person/ the "I'm better than you because"... Alright, most of the time it's probably not THAT big of a deal huh? Okay what about if it's 5 days a week consistent? Welcome to something I just realized. 

It causes me a lot of frustration when I have discussion with people like that. Mainly because, if I have respect for something (the subject talked about), and I have motivations that are toward God, and they are not harmful.... DON'T JUDGE ME. 

I was writing in my journal about it on my lunch break, and it was cool to see what God had to say through that median: I don't have to give in to the enemy who could be using that person to attack a weak part of me. For instance, what I heard today is "you're stupid for thinking that or acting like that" when in reality I already have an identity in Christ, and REFUSE to believe that something I am doing which takes part in my furthering my relationship with Christ could be stupid. And I was also reminded that I should pray for this person. So... Yeah... 

L-I-F-E

My brain is a mess of wondering/worrying/frustration/hoping. I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I often wonder to what degree I struggle with anxiety. It comes an goes, but really gets my blood and emotions going. I didn't really want to look up signs, because I don't want to walk around the rest of my life, self-diagnosed, because then it'll be that much more likely to become true. So what do you do to deal. I mean there's the obvious... to pray, which I try. I guess I'm just frustrated that it's Friday, and I'm once again having a rough Friday, thankfully it's not the same junk. 

I am also frustrated from this week. It's a bit hard to explain, but ungratefulness has become a pet peeve. 

So how about to bring it up a notch. Thank our gracious Giver, I was able to get a scholarship to the YMCA. It's practically in my back yard, so it's an easy commute, and boy is that facility nice. The tour guide that I had, bless his heart, was so nice, and did such a great job helping me get the financial stuff all in place, and giving my tour he made the comment "... you know everyone's goal is to do better than yesterday" and you know I'm trying to make that my daily goal. I'm not going to the Y every day, but I do want to do better than yesterday. It was deep, even though he probably wasn't trying to make it deep. I guess I just think that way sometimes. 

I'm training to do a triathlon. I'm praying that not only I get in shape for it, (which I'm assuming I'll be able to complete-- it'll be a great chance to practice my consistency) but I'm also praying for a new bike. I'm really small, and so to find one that fits me is difficult as it is, but then to find one in my price range is a bit harder. So I know I've got like a  year until the one that I want to participate takes place, but that's something that will need major prayer over. 

I was made this way for a reason.

Sweetest Day With Jesus

I went up to Sleeping Bear Dunes yesterday for the whole day. I didn't go with anyone, and that was okay. My intentions changed from wanting to have a good hike/hang with someone to wanting to spend time with Jesus/have a good hike. And that's exactly what I got. 

I went up to Platte Plains Trail. It was located about 5 miles South of Empire.

Here is a map of it. I started at the campsite and headed East and followed points 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. (in that order).

The miles are located on it, and every dot represents 1/10 of a mile. I hiked about 9 trail miles and 1 road mile, so 10 all together.

Those were some of the best miles of my life. 

I've mentioned before that I struggle with inconsistency. And during my hike, this is what I questioned God on. How is it that I could want Him more than I ever have before, yet still be very inconsistent? Well... amidst the conversation, came an answer... I find my identity consciously and subconsciously in everything BUT Him. 

Every time I meet with God intentionally (over the norm), it seems as though what I don't want to hear, is exactly what I need to h

ear. Funny how God works. 

I had an amazing time. I was able to collect a good amount of leaves, see some beautiful scenery, and meet with the Living God. 

I will continue to push forward...

I'm not very consistent with my emotions. How do you go about fixing that? If you have any input, please... feel free to respond. 

I've got a problem with those things we call emotions. I'm not very consistent. When something gets me down, I feel like everyone and their brother are against me, trying to ruin my life. Now I don't want this to be a complaining blog, so what I want to say about that is I'm sick and tired of the enemy shooting darts at my ever so big weak spots. "... he comes to seek and destroy." I know, and I hate it. 

Tomorrow's Friday night, and I'm expecting victory. I'm expecting God to pull me through, because He cares. 

I'm really want to change. I really want to live a life of complete integrity. 

Have you ever crashed? Not like in a sleepy way, or in a car, but in a state of being way. I have. Satan lures and lures and it becomes hard to see clearly. Sometimes its only a matter of minutes or hours, but it happens. He takes us out at our knees, a weak area. 

I met someone recently who is just in touch with God. I don't want to change to please this person, but I do want to change, because I see the joy this person experiences, and the fulfillment of living in ministry. Exactly what I want to do. I get frustrated because I'm not living in ministry, but ultimately it's my own fault. I'm choosing not to. 

In Isaiah, the king is warned that because they (the Israelites) have chosen to defile, and to worship idols, that God was going to punish them. And sure enough in Daniel, we see that they were taken captive by the Babylonians. Sure it was generations later, but it happened. I don't want to be someone who has these false idols, even in the "smallest" way but to actually treat my Savior as the one and only, taking the things that bind me and giving them to Him 110%. Why is it always so difficult to do that? 

I'm working through the book of Daniel right now in a Beth Moore Bible study, and I'm just asking God that you ROCK MY SOCKS OFF with it. 

Blessings

I'm learning how to be less stubborn. 

I told a friend in an e-mail a few days ago that I was working on this, and she said: "I didn't know you were stubborn." Hmmm... if only people knew. 

I am stubborn. I don't like to be wrong, and when I am, I try to make excuses for it. I get it from my father. 

Today at work, I was breaking someone in the infant room, and boy, I never thought I'd be in there (I don't want babies!). But as the hour was passing, I was telling a new friend, Christy, as she was swaddling a baby, that I swaddle myself at night, because our house is cold, and its the best way to keep myself warm. (We live in a very old house that does not keep heat well) I wasn't thinking anything of it, because I have told what seems to be a hundred people about it. I mentioned to her that I would eventually need to get an electric blanket for this winter. 

I'm a bus driver, so I'm only in the building for half the day, and when I returned from my last bus run, she met me in one of the empty rooms. She said "Emma, close your eyes." I thought she had a baby dressed up really funny or something, but when she told me to open them, she had an electric blanket for me. I was a bit overwhelmed. (Christy just got married this past weekend) We got to talking about the blanket, and she mentioned that she felt as though she was so blessed by the money that she had been given for her wedding, that she wanted to use some of it to bless some people! Can you believe that??? She used her wedding money to buy me an electric blanket!!! I'm baffled. I had no words other than thank you. Talk about being selfless. I'm still in awe. I can't believe it. 

Thanks be to Jesus for creating people with the ability to have that kind of attitude, one that clearly mimics part of who He is. How great is our God? 

How Great is Our God

I spent almost two hours last night worshiping with a friend down at the Boiler Room. It wast open worship, and there were two guitars. I didn't think I was going to last long, seeing as how I haven't played in some time, but once we got going, and people joined in, it was unstoppable. 

I've never thought I was amazing at something, and I still don't for the most part, but what I do know is that God can use something that you're "just okay" at, and use it in a powerful way to acknowledge him. 

So I've mentioned before that we've all got our struggles, and I won't detail out, but I keep up on a blog where other people who struggle with the same things that I do or have struggled with. It's a great place to anonymously confess, and get help. A verse that was left on someone's post was Hosea 2: 14-17

               "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips, no longer will their names be invoked."

This is originally referring to Israel and the days of the desert wandering. I'm beginning more and more to like the idea of being in this desert. It's not going to be easy, but if it were easy, it wouldn't produce growth. 

A New Beginning... again

There's one thing that's always consistent in my life: inconsistency. If you were to take the time to read back through the previous blogs that I've posted, you'll notice that one this is for sure: inconsistency. Some are long, some are short, some are deep, some are superficial. 

Well I'm going to give it a try again. I'm going to try to keep up an active profile of my life. I may share lots I may share little, but as part of the Sabbatical I am taking, I will be able to share what I'm trekking through, learning, and discovering. 

About 2 months ago, I decided that I was going to be delivered from the sin that holds me down. Being delivered is a much lengthier process than what I had anticipated. Some people are delivered immediately after confession, some however, must go through the dessert. And boy, that's a great place to be. 

If you go to Crossroads, you'll probably understand the idea of the desert. It's a place of dryness, of loneliness, and of a sense of hopelessness. However, in the Bible, God uses deserts as a place to grow people the most. And while I am here, I refuse to allow myself to become lost in the sand. 

A Sabbatical is a period of time set aside to work toward an ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is to reach full fledged inner/outward holistic integrity. 

Although times may be difficult, I will devote my time to never cease searching for what the Lord may do. I am asking him to break down walls that I thought had crumbled, and to continue to break every wall down that has no place in my life. I am on a difficult path, but wouldn't walk it if it wasn't worth it. 

This Old House

I think we might me moving. Absolutely nothing is set in stone, but it is certainly a thought. A serious one at that. We've had a lot of small problems with this house, and I am terrified for the winter heating bill. So. To say the least, I think I'm going to need to start praying hard core for this, and will you too?

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Warning!!!!!!
This blog may be long...but informing, interesting, fun, factual and crazy! Some information may not be suitable for small children or people with weak stomachs.

I want to start of this entry, by throwing out a small apology. Sometimes this blog can be overwhelmingly full of emotion, sometimes good and sometimes bad, and sometimes it has no meaning at all. So there is my apology for the many many readers out there (yeah right) :) and I'm going to continue on with my life.

The Slug From Hell!!!!





This slug lives in our neighbors yard, or maybe in their sewer with Raphael, Donatello, Michaelagelo, and Leonardo. This sucker was big! I'd like to recap the first time that I saw this mutant. I was walking down into our basement to see how bad the flood waters had been. After examining the scene I decidd to head back upstairs to the dry floor. On my way back up, on the outside door, I saw this mammoth of a creature. I was sure it was going to whip out its teeth and latch on. (No, slugs don't really have teeth). I grabbed a box, and threw it in the yard. The neighbors yard that is. Almost a month later, it came back. This time I took it out to the sidewalk, and that's where I made the assumption that it was a spy for the underworld, as I watched it slowly creep to the gutter.



Kung Fu Panda.

I saw the movie Kung Fu Panda again today for work. It was a cute movie. I had already seen it once with Tammy, and a few other people. So nothing was really a surprise. I actually tried to spot flaws, but couldn't find any.
I have recently made a decision to stop watching movies that are inappropriate for me to be watching. Basically anything over the rating of G. I have some specific reasons, but mostly, I don't want to put ideas into my head that I think may one day come true, when they really do only happen in the movies. But a quote from the movie that I liked was. "The secret ingredient is that there is no secret ingredient.


God.
I don't want to leave God out of this Blog. I'm not going to go into detail because that what face to face conversations are made for, but God is doing some good things. I am learning a lot about unfailing love, acceptance, failure, and being a transforming follower of Jesus Christ. Check out Psalm 103: 2-4. Thanks A.

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"Hey why do you love Him? Why? Why do you love God?"

"Me? Why do I love God? You want to know why I love God? I love God because He is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. He is bigger than you, and bigger than me, bigger than everything, so big that I can't ever imagine it. I love God, because no matter how much I love him, He still loves me more. And do you know why I love God the most? I love God because he has saved me from the very pit of Hell. That is why I love God."

-I just woke up from a nap, because I was breathing very heavy, and that's what I was saying to someone at the Boiler Room (someone who isn't really there---yet).

"Darkness only multiplies darkness"

Nope. This isn't South Africa. Nope. It's not New York. It's not even Chicago. It's Grand Rapids. (Well not this particular picture). I was biking home from Kalamazoo and 36th today, and I ended up having to take some detours. Evidently Construction season in Grand Rapids, means that every street downtown has some sort of construction on it. Which always leads to a dead end.
On my bike home, I biked all the way down Kalamazoo until the construction hit. I then took Alger, and hit up another street called Oakdale. As I was biking down Oakdale, I noticed that a lot of people were out on their porches. I also noticed that out of all the people that I passed, no one was happy. There was an argument going on on every porch. This set the tone for the rest of the ride. As I continued down, I hit Madison, which was mostly large buildings. As I am thinking about what I just biked through, I ended up hitting a side street which lead me to Buchannan. As I headed down Buchannan, I thought to myself "I'm in the clear now." I thought to soon. Buchannan dead-ended into the railroad tracks. This part of town is just very very eery. I kept my head up and continued. I found a side street, which also dead ended, and then ended up on Ionia. I thought I was good now. And I was. I had to walk my bike through some more construction, but at least I knew where I was. I jumped back on my bike, and started to head back home. And not 2 minutes later, saw what you see in that picture. I felt very out of place, but it allowed me to realize that I don't have to travel far and wide to see poverty. I don't have to travel for a missions trip. It's ironic because I cut through a church parking lot on my way to Kelly and Marks, and the exit sign said "Mission field ahead."
Thank you for reading this.

A broken life.

Yesterday was Saturday.

Yep. Saturday. I planned on going to Community dinner just like normal. Except for this time, there wouldn't be the normal people there. All of the interns and regular residents went to Kansas City MO. For what? Well I'm not sure to be exact. All I know that is that it was something to do with the Kansas City boiler room. Probably a pretty awesome opportunity.
When I first arrived, I found out about two of the men that had been very active in their journey toward sobriety, had made a wrong turn. To keep this to a minimum, I'll just say that it was one step in the wrong direction.
With alertnesses heightened, the dinner was anything but normal. I felt a lot of paranoia, a lot of blame, a lot of misunderstanding, and fear. I saw people putting the blame on themselves. I saw people getting angry because of the situation, and I saw people sad.
This has made me think, and I'm sure I've mentioned something before about choices. But this time I want to make a little blurp about choices in the midst of addiction.
Have you ever been addicted to something? I have. To a few things. Addictions can be both "good" and "bad." Some would label being addicted to alcohol "bad." Some would label being addicted to "t.v." not so bad. There are many different forms of addiction, yet addiction is addiction. An addiction is something that no matter how hard you try (with your own strength) you keep turning back to for support, satisfaction, or both.
Without Jesus, addictions can be unconquerable. And without a transformation with/through Jesus, one may never fully conquer that addiction. It's not about being baptized, it's not about showing your good side, or even about how godly you look. It's about that something that you fill that hole with that continues to need to be refilled.

It's Jesus.

Today my heart burned for South Africa. I spoke with someone today who was born there, and it brought back a lot of memories. Not just of the trip that I was on, but of everything that encompassed that trip. I won't go into great detail but I believe God is doing something great in South Africa, and I feel honored that I got to be a tiny tiny part of it. 

I've been getting the question "What are you going to do with your life?" a lot recently. I've been using the excuse that I'm "in transition" but lets be honest. The transition should be over. I feel very financially trapped here. What I want to do, is financially not doable (only with God), which is to go back to South Africa, and live. Teach God's word. As for staying here in the states, I didn't go to school for the right information. I want to do biology. And I'm not sure what field. 

I tell you though I'm not very content living through this day care. 

But on the good side of things, my mom sent me a link for a DNR position. I'm going to try to apply for it. So if you want/would, could you pray that I have the ambition to complete the steps to get it done?

I'm currently reading Beth Moore's Breaking Free. Why? Well because I'm trying to break free. We've all got strongholds right? Well so do I. As I read through this book, I am discovering more and more of who I am, and just for a heads up, you might get a little taste of it here and there. 

Well. thank you for reading my blog. There will be more to come soon.

Oh, and as for an update on the house. It's great. I'm concerned for the winter, but I will let God take care of that.

Moving

I'd like you to meet my roommates.


LaKeri and Amanda! YAY for our new place.

Hi. My name is Emma, and I have insecurities. I am afraid of being that person who is annoying, of being wrong, of not being right, of losing, of winning, of everything.

I've been learning a lot about trying to be the person that God created me to be. Not the person that the world wants me to be. You see I have a right to say...and what I say matters, you may not like it, but it matters, because I matter....or do I? It's a battle that I think we all face at some point in time, or over and over again, depending on your story.
Basically I want to be part of your community, I just don't feel welcome, and when I don't feel welcome, I feel as though it is because of my insecurities. You see them, and you make them worse.

Sometimes I'm Not So Good At Moving On.

Its getting closer and closer to the time to move on. Amanda, Lakeri, and I have been in this apartment for far too long. Of course we've got some great memories, but we've also got some not so great memories. And I was in my bedroom which is now mostly empty now that Katie has all of her stuff out, and I was wondering what it would be like for the first time in 6 years to have my own room again. To be able to sleep with whatever noise I want, to have it look however I want, and to not have to share. It's almost whole new concept.

On a little different note, I am excited about the new place. We have an apartment above us, but there is currently no one in it (so if you're looking for a cheap (550) place to live than this could be it) and there is a family next to us. And just houses around us. No more apartment complex. We have a yard, a garage, and a huge porch.


We will be having a house warming party sometime in the beginning of June, and all are welcome.

Well here is a healed updated picture of my tattoo. I am still really enjoying it and am glad that I got it.

















On another note we are moving in just under 2 weeks! I am pumped. It will be nice to be out of this apartment complex.


On one last note:
"For faith is only real when there is obedience, never without it, and faith only becomes faith in the act of obedience."
-Bonhoeffer "The cost of discipleship"
My roommate tonight asked me what I thought of this statement, and I've been thinking about it since.
Here's what I think about it: I agree with it.
i agree with it because I believe that faith results from choices. And obedience is weather or not to make a choice to follow whomever you are choosing to follow. My point is that the choices that lead to godliness also lead to faith. how can you have faith without being obedient. Wouldn't that be a contradiction? Well that's what I have to say about it. Great topic of conversation though.

Isaiah 43.

It's true. Thursday afternoon I went to Mos Eisliys and made an appointment....to get a tattoo. Friday night I got in the chair with my leg exposed, and received what could be one of the most unique things about me now, and for no other reason than the meaning of it.

Isaiah 43:4 says this:

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I would give men in exchange for you, people in exchange for your life."

Literally translated from the Hebrew it says: Because then. you are precious. in the eyes of me. and honored. and I. I love you. (part a).

About 2 months ago at the last 24.7 prayer at the Stockbridge BoilerRoom. I said to God: "I need to know that you love me." Not even an hour later, I was led to this scripture.
Going through the Beth Moore Bible Study: Believing God. We learned a 5 statement pledge.
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.

Through finding scripture, and backing these statements up, we learned a lot about our marvelous God! However, the one that I struggled with the most was "I am who God says I am." No matter how many times I read this, how many verses I looked up, how many times we prayed about it. I could not bring myself to believe this.
Discouraged I fell into sin.

After a few weeks of basically stopping my life. I was at one of the lowest points, in sin, and realized. I don't have to live like this. I am loved unconditionally.
Realizing this, I went back to this scripture, and began to do a little research on it. In the passage, the Israelites are moving in a direction that is not what God wanted them to. And I found a Bible that commentated this:
" God created the people of Israel, and they were special to him. God redeemed them and called them by name to be those who belong to him. God protected Israel in times of trouble. We are important to God, too."

I am a child of God, just as those Israelites, and as hard as it may be to accept it in times of self pity for myself, God loves me....he LOVES me.

Getting this tattoo, is for me a reminder to myself: I am who God says I am...I am really. It may be hard at times. But I do not have to life a life of sin. I can live a life as the redeemed!

(Sorry for the blood in the photo)

Mercy

Grace

God Speaks

24/7 Prayer ended today at 5pm with community prayer.

The sound still resounds in my mind of the silence (the sound of silence) found in the StockBridge Boiler room. During my first time slot God directed me to Psalm 43 which explains God's love for the Israelites, and how he created them, and formed them, and loves them. Immediately I found myself helpless, and taken away. In that moment, "I love you" from the Heavenly Father echoed in my ears, over and over and over and over. "Emma, I love you, just like I loved those Israelites. I gave men for them because I loved them, but Emma, I gave my son, for you." My week hasn't been the same since.

Moving to Colorado had been an option for about the past month and 1/2, and God clearly by the end of the week, explained that this was not the plan that he has hashed out for me.

Rod explained today that when we try to make God follow our schedule or work on our time line that we have the chance of feeling a lot less loved. And well, we discussed the story of Jairus, and his daughter, whom God told to "Talitha koum!" which means: get up/wake up. "When will you wake up O sleeper?" I have never felt the experience of God, than what I have this week, and previously bit by bit in the few weeks previous. Our God Speaks Volumes, but have you listened?

I went this morning to the StockBridge Boiler Room at 6, at 7 an intern came in and asked if I would like to keep going. After he left, I immediately remembered the text that I got at 2am, telling me that 2 of the homeless friends that come to the StockBridge Boiler room. Kathy and Marty. As I was worshiping in the second service, we were singing an old hymn, and Kathy was just in the right spot for me to see her form where I was standing, her face was up to the sky, singing it word for word. I had nothing but tears. Shortly after the service, I saw Joe, and he looked so full of life.

Jesus, You Reign!