L-I-F-E

My brain is a mess of wondering/worrying/frustration/hoping. I don't want to be a hypochondriac, but I often wonder to what degree I struggle with anxiety. It comes an goes, but really gets my blood and emotions going. I didn't really want to look up signs, because I don't want to walk around the rest of my life, self-diagnosed, because then it'll be that much more likely to become true. So what do you do to deal. I mean there's the obvious... to pray, which I try. I guess I'm just frustrated that it's Friday, and I'm once again having a rough Friday, thankfully it's not the same junk. 

I am also frustrated from this week. It's a bit hard to explain, but ungratefulness has become a pet peeve. 

So how about to bring it up a notch. Thank our gracious Giver, I was able to get a scholarship to the YMCA. It's practically in my back yard, so it's an easy commute, and boy is that facility nice. The tour guide that I had, bless his heart, was so nice, and did such a great job helping me get the financial stuff all in place, and giving my tour he made the comment "... you know everyone's goal is to do better than yesterday" and you know I'm trying to make that my daily goal. I'm not going to the Y every day, but I do want to do better than yesterday. It was deep, even though he probably wasn't trying to make it deep. I guess I just think that way sometimes. 

I'm training to do a triathlon. I'm praying that not only I get in shape for it, (which I'm assuming I'll be able to complete-- it'll be a great chance to practice my consistency) but I'm also praying for a new bike. I'm really small, and so to find one that fits me is difficult as it is, but then to find one in my price range is a bit harder. So I know I've got like a  year until the one that I want to participate takes place, but that's something that will need major prayer over. 

I was made this way for a reason.

Sweetest Day With Jesus

I went up to Sleeping Bear Dunes yesterday for the whole day. I didn't go with anyone, and that was okay. My intentions changed from wanting to have a good hike/hang with someone to wanting to spend time with Jesus/have a good hike. And that's exactly what I got. 

I went up to Platte Plains Trail. It was located about 5 miles South of Empire.

Here is a map of it. I started at the campsite and headed East and followed points 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. (in that order).

The miles are located on it, and every dot represents 1/10 of a mile. I hiked about 9 trail miles and 1 road mile, so 10 all together.

Those were some of the best miles of my life. 

I've mentioned before that I struggle with inconsistency. And during my hike, this is what I questioned God on. How is it that I could want Him more than I ever have before, yet still be very inconsistent? Well... amidst the conversation, came an answer... I find my identity consciously and subconsciously in everything BUT Him. 

Every time I meet with God intentionally (over the norm), it seems as though what I don't want to hear, is exactly what I need to h

ear. Funny how God works. 

I had an amazing time. I was able to collect a good amount of leaves, see some beautiful scenery, and meet with the Living God. 

I will continue to push forward...

I'm not very consistent with my emotions. How do you go about fixing that? If you have any input, please... feel free to respond. 

I've got a problem with those things we call emotions. I'm not very consistent. When something gets me down, I feel like everyone and their brother are against me, trying to ruin my life. Now I don't want this to be a complaining blog, so what I want to say about that is I'm sick and tired of the enemy shooting darts at my ever so big weak spots. "... he comes to seek and destroy." I know, and I hate it. 

Tomorrow's Friday night, and I'm expecting victory. I'm expecting God to pull me through, because He cares. 

I'm really want to change. I really want to live a life of complete integrity. 

Have you ever crashed? Not like in a sleepy way, or in a car, but in a state of being way. I have. Satan lures and lures and it becomes hard to see clearly. Sometimes its only a matter of minutes or hours, but it happens. He takes us out at our knees, a weak area. 

I met someone recently who is just in touch with God. I don't want to change to please this person, but I do want to change, because I see the joy this person experiences, and the fulfillment of living in ministry. Exactly what I want to do. I get frustrated because I'm not living in ministry, but ultimately it's my own fault. I'm choosing not to. 

In Isaiah, the king is warned that because they (the Israelites) have chosen to defile, and to worship idols, that God was going to punish them. And sure enough in Daniel, we see that they were taken captive by the Babylonians. Sure it was generations later, but it happened. I don't want to be someone who has these false idols, even in the "smallest" way but to actually treat my Savior as the one and only, taking the things that bind me and giving them to Him 110%. Why is it always so difficult to do that? 

I'm working through the book of Daniel right now in a Beth Moore Bible study, and I'm just asking God that you ROCK MY SOCKS OFF with it. 

Blessings

I'm learning how to be less stubborn. 

I told a friend in an e-mail a few days ago that I was working on this, and she said: "I didn't know you were stubborn." Hmmm... if only people knew. 

I am stubborn. I don't like to be wrong, and when I am, I try to make excuses for it. I get it from my father. 

Today at work, I was breaking someone in the infant room, and boy, I never thought I'd be in there (I don't want babies!). But as the hour was passing, I was telling a new friend, Christy, as she was swaddling a baby, that I swaddle myself at night, because our house is cold, and its the best way to keep myself warm. (We live in a very old house that does not keep heat well) I wasn't thinking anything of it, because I have told what seems to be a hundred people about it. I mentioned to her that I would eventually need to get an electric blanket for this winter. 

I'm a bus driver, so I'm only in the building for half the day, and when I returned from my last bus run, she met me in one of the empty rooms. She said "Emma, close your eyes." I thought she had a baby dressed up really funny or something, but when she told me to open them, she had an electric blanket for me. I was a bit overwhelmed. (Christy just got married this past weekend) We got to talking about the blanket, and she mentioned that she felt as though she was so blessed by the money that she had been given for her wedding, that she wanted to use some of it to bless some people! Can you believe that??? She used her wedding money to buy me an electric blanket!!! I'm baffled. I had no words other than thank you. Talk about being selfless. I'm still in awe. I can't believe it. 

Thanks be to Jesus for creating people with the ability to have that kind of attitude, one that clearly mimics part of who He is. How great is our God? 

How Great is Our God

I spent almost two hours last night worshiping with a friend down at the Boiler Room. It wast open worship, and there were two guitars. I didn't think I was going to last long, seeing as how I haven't played in some time, but once we got going, and people joined in, it was unstoppable. 

I've never thought I was amazing at something, and I still don't for the most part, but what I do know is that God can use something that you're "just okay" at, and use it in a powerful way to acknowledge him. 

So I've mentioned before that we've all got our struggles, and I won't detail out, but I keep up on a blog where other people who struggle with the same things that I do or have struggled with. It's a great place to anonymously confess, and get help. A verse that was left on someone's post was Hosea 2: 14-17

               "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips, no longer will their names be invoked."

This is originally referring to Israel and the days of the desert wandering. I'm beginning more and more to like the idea of being in this desert. It's not going to be easy, but if it were easy, it wouldn't produce growth.