Who ever sat down as a 7 year old, and asked, gee, I can't wait to start making decision for myself, easy ones, hard ones, outrageous one, and sometimes even unnecessary ones. Man does it hit hard.
A while back I put my resume in the Grand Rapids Public School system, where I have wanted to work for some time. However with the nature of my job at Appletree, it is very difficult to even fathom something else, because even though at times it is hard to work there, it's consistent, and full time.
Well a few days ago, Alexander Elementary called me and asked me to come in for an interview. I was stoked, but figured I probably wouldn't get it, due to lack of hours, etc. Let me tell you, readers, that was one of the best interviews I have ever done. Not only did the words flow from my lips unbelievably well, but I actually had conversation with the assistant principal, and then later the principal. The school is small and intimate, but I honestly walked in and loved it!
This was my first sign that it was something that I should think about. I mean, it's not every day an interview goes that well. I just couldn't believe it.
Yesterday they called and asked if I would like to be considered for the job. (Which is like an offer, without the "official-ness" my fingerprints still need to be cleared.) But this was the second sign that I should consider making the move.
Today, when I spoke with the Human Resources department, they were really flexible and were helping me to get everything that I needed for the position... then the hard part came... telling Appletree.
You see, I hate quitting something. It makes me feel like somewhat of a failure. I know however that in this situation I am not a failure, it's just difficult to boot out old lies. Talking to my bosses however went over really really well. I explained to them that it was the insurance that made me want the job. This was my third sign that it was something that I should pursue.
Later today however, my first signs of doubt came in. When I spoke again with my boss, she mentioned to me that it was not guaranteed that I would be able to have my position back in the summer. Honestly, I was kind of depending on that security. As I'm typing this, I'm still feeling a bit of doubt, but want so BAD to trust that God is taking control of my life.
You see a few weeks ago, I was experiencing some almost unbearable, sleep depriving, worry-creating, chest pains. I wasn't sure if it was a heart attack or heart complications or what not, but the scariest thing about it is that I don't have insurance though Appletree, and wasn't able to go to the doctor. I kept it to myself for sometime as to not scare anyone else, but it got to the point where I had to take a day off of work.
The next monday, I talked to Deb, a nurse/friend in my small group for Bible Study, and she explained to me that everything I told her was signs of stress related chest pains. After hearing all of her thoughts and suggestions, I came to realize that working at Appletree, and sometimes not knowing that I'm doing something wrong, or getting in trouble for something that doesn't really seem like I should be getting in trouble for, and most of all driving a bus full of kids on slippery roads was creating so much stress (also including an out-of-work situation) that I wasn't able to maintain it anymore, like I've been trained to do. It's nothing against Appltree, I just believe it's a move that is beneficial to my health.
So now with this job offer here in front of me, and signs of uncertainty in the summer, I am a bit worried, but asking for your prayers. Prayers that I will follow God, and trust him. For Pete's sake, he knows my financial situation, and he WILL protect and provide for me, and for me to constantly be reminded of passages like Matthew 6 and Isaiah 43 and 48, and all the many more that talk about God graciousness.
Speaking of provision. At the end of last week, I received an anonymous check in the mail, which was just enough to cover my portion of the heating/electric. I have no way of describing my gratitude, nor my feelings toward God's provision, and Grace, when I so much don't deserve it. Wow. What a mighty God we serve huh?
