Day 1

Today was my first day on the job. 

For those of you who don't know, I got a job at Alexander Elementary as a parapro/librarian. 

My first day was an interesting one at that. I've never entered a school setting, for a job, in the middle. Even my student teaching was at the beginning of the year. So this was going to come as a shock to me, I already knew, but I didn't know that it was going to be that hard. No granted it could have been hard just because simply it was my first day. And I think tomorrow is going to have some more structure to it, but after evaluating my day, I really actually think I'm going to be more like 80% librarian and 20% parapro... throw in lunch lady/secretary as well! 

To say the least, I already love the staff there, and the kids that i did meet, were welcoming, I had one girl say "so you our new library teacher?" I said "I am" she goes: "Well then I wish you the best of luck." Small cozy school. 

Please, if you think of me pray for me, I'm going to have to use my brain now, as to where, it's been a while since I've had such a stimulating job. But I could use the prayer. Thank you!

Decision Making.

Who ever sat down as a 7 year old, and asked, gee, I can't wait to start making decision for myself, easy ones, hard ones, outrageous one, and sometimes even unnecessary ones. Man does it hit hard. 

A while back I put my resume in the Grand Rapids Public School system, where I have wanted to work for some time. However with the nature of my job at Appletree, it is very difficult to even fathom something else, because even though at times it is hard to work there, it's consistent, and full time. 

Well a few days ago, Alexander Elementary called me and asked me to come in for an interview. I was stoked, but figured I probably wouldn't get it, due to lack of hours, etc. Let me tell you, readers, that was one of the best interviews I have ever done. Not only did the words flow from my lips unbelievably well, but I actually had conversation with the assistant principal, and then later the principal. The school is small and intimate, but I honestly walked in and loved it! 

This was my first sign that it was something that I should think about. I mean, it's not every day an interview goes that well. I just couldn't believe it. 

Yesterday they called and asked if I would like to be considered for the job. (Which is like an offer, without the "official-ness" my fingerprints still need to be cleared.) But this was the second sign that I should consider making the move. 

Today, when I spoke with the Human Resources department, they were really flexible and were helping me to get everything that I needed for the position... then the hard part came... telling Appletree.

You see, I hate quitting something. It makes me feel like somewhat of a failure. I know however that in this situation I am not a failure, it's just difficult to boot out old lies. Talking to my bosses however went over really really well. I explained to them that it was the insurance that made me want the job. This was my third sign that it was something that I should pursue. 

Later today however, my first signs of doubt came in. When I spoke again with my boss, she mentioned to me that it was not guaranteed that I would be able to have my position back in the summer. Honestly, I was kind of depending on that security. As I'm typing this, I'm still feeling a bit of doubt, but want so BAD to trust that God is taking control of my life. 

You see a few weeks ago, I was experiencing some almost unbearable, sleep depriving, worry-creating, chest pains. I wasn't sure if it was a heart attack or heart complications or what not, but the scariest thing about it is that I don't have insurance though Appletree, and wasn't able to go to the doctor. I kept it to myself for sometime as to not scare anyone else, but it got to the point where I had to take a day off of work. 

The next monday, I talked to Deb, a nurse/friend in my small group for Bible Study, and she explained to me that everything I told her was signs of stress related chest pains. After hearing all of her thoughts and suggestions, I came to realize that working at Appletree, and sometimes not knowing that I'm doing something wrong, or getting in trouble for something that doesn't really seem like I should be getting in trouble for, and most of all driving a bus full of kids on slippery roads was creating so much stress (also including an out-of-work situation) that I wasn't able to maintain it anymore, like I've been trained to do. It's nothing against Appltree, I just believe it's a move that is beneficial to my health. 

So now with this job offer here in front of me, and signs of uncertainty in the summer, I am a bit worried, but asking for your prayers. Prayers that I will follow God, and trust him. For Pete's sake, he knows my financial situation, and he WILL protect and provide for me, and for me to constantly be reminded of passages like Matthew 6 and Isaiah 43 and 48, and all the many more that talk about God graciousness. 

Speaking of provision. At the end of last week, I received an anonymous check in the mail, which was just enough to cover my portion of the heating/electric. I have no way of describing my gratitude, nor my feelings toward God's provision, and Grace, when I so much don't deserve it. Wow. What a mighty God we serve huh? 

Confused.

I got a "coaching review" today at work, which is like a write up. 

It was for reading my Bible at work, while all the children were sleeping and there was nothing to do.

You do the math. 

Who I am called to be.

I have been wondering lately what I am called to be, or to be doing right now, from God. Or even really if I'm being called? Well an answer came to me recently after much mauling over my life, and where I currently am, and I think a lot of times, I am frustrated with the fact that I am not doing anything. So therefore I feel as thought I'm not being called. However, just recently I have began to think that maybe I am just being called to be a friend. I don't know what exactly that means but it certainly gives me the opportunity to be Christ to people.

I was asked yesterday what my dream position in life would be and honestly, I think that position would be to simply not have to worry about debt, and build relationships. Invest in peoples lives, learn the word of God. And to be an example of Christ. 

Where have I gone?

I used to be here. I used to be a part of your world, and you used to make me a part of everything. But I've been replaced. I've been replaced by dancing snowmen, pretty snowflakes, elves, candy canes, and the biggest of all you put your belief in a man who has the magic ability to bring you anything you want, if only you'll be good for the whole year. On that day when I was born, 2000 years ago, you are now excited to see what that imaginary man might bring you. You ignore the gift that I have offered you, not just once a year, but every day, and you forget what my life was. All I ask is that this year, you try to remember who I am, and not just for a day, but for the day after that, and the day after that... will you? Will you let me give you that gift, every day? 

it's going to be a long road ahead.

Okay, I think we all know someone like this: The "One-Up" person/ the "I'm better than you because"... Alright, most of the time it's probably not THAT big of a deal huh? Okay what about if it's 5 days a week consistent? Welcome to something I just realized. 

It causes me a lot of frustration when I have discussion with people like that. Mainly because, if I have respect for something (the subject talked about), and I have motivations that are toward God, and they are not harmful.... DON'T JUDGE ME. 

I was writing in my journal about it on my lunch break, and it was cool to see what God had to say through that median: I don't have to give in to the enemy who could be using that person to attack a weak part of me. For instance, what I heard today is "you're stupid for thinking that or acting like that" when in reality I already have an identity in Christ, and REFUSE to believe that something I am doing which takes part in my furthering my relationship with Christ could be stupid. And I was also reminded that I should pray for this person. So... Yeah...